Lady Things

My younger years were spent mostly in discomfort when anyone would mention anything about lady things. Well, not just lady things, anything involving "number two" or "sexual baby-makin' intercourse" also got me a bit antsy. 


I don't know what changed. You'd think that three younger and quite disgusting brothers and a father who owns and often uses fake poop to prank folks we meet on vacation [by 'vacation' I mean Branson and by fake poop I mean .... seriously ... fake poop. It's so realistic!] ... you'd think a family like that would have trained me to be much more comfortable with these somewhat immature and tabu subjects at a much earlier age.


But it wasn't until recently that I've embraced the parts of being a human I used to try to ignore. I'll spare you the timeline, but in honor of my transition, a few hilarious videos that highlight some of the elements of being a woman I can now embrace. Ok, maybe not embrace. Laugh at. That's a start, right?


LADY [well, human] THINGS I'm Now A Bit More Comfortable Talking About


1. Camel Toe :: I can remember a time when I'd wear a fanny pack over my lady area because I thought for sure fanny packs were cooler than anyone knowing I had lady parts down there. Bess, don't worry, I still think fanny packs are cooler  - thanks to you! But thanks to Kristin Wiig and a few other hilarious SNL Cast Members [I have so much to thank that woman and those people for],  I'm more comfortable making jokes.




2. Peeing Outside ::  I ran Cross Country in high school [by 'ran' I mean only ran until Coach P (sorry, Coach P) wasn't looking any more or until the nearest icecream place was within reach] and every other girl but me seemed to be just fine peeing outside. Sometimes even number twoing [see #3] outside! Not until I learned about the GoGirl™ did I think it was something I could do gracefully. I've yet to try it, but mark my words, I will own one of these mess-free, uniquely-designed-tipped, medical grade silicone-filled, compact gifts from heaven above before I ever run again! This or the competing brand, SHEWEE®. I'm just not as impressed with the SHEWEE® logo as I am with the GoGirl™. But, then, how can any brand appropriately compete with a darling image of a bathroom girl image doing the potty dance?!

3. Pooping :: This deserves two stories:
a.  I was young. 10 or something. We had family over. I was using the downstairs restroom [mistake #1l to go number two. My younger cousin [one of like 90 I have] knocked a few times. She had to go number two, and she was mature enough to admit it. I lied. Told her and everyone who knocked thereafter that I was ... WASHING MY FEET ... the knocking and questions didn't subside for quite a while. I grew more and more nervous, and thus less and less likely to get the job done in a timely fashion. Instead of just admitting that I, too, there for number two, I fake washed my feet. I left the water running so that everyone would be convinced that I was just doing a really thorough job. When I finally finished the real work I was doing in there, I quickly wet my feet and walked out as if everyone waiting on me were the weirdos. 


Hmmmph. Feels good to admit that.


b. I convinced a boy in my high school that girls never pooped. That we take a pill [I don't think I knew about birth control yet, so I was probably referencing this mystery pill I had heard girls talk about] that prevents us from ever pooping. Ever. He believed me. I hope he doesn't believe me any more. Rough first year of marriage. 


Personal stories about poop aside [Yes, I do have more. No, I am not starting a poop blog.] ...this TARGET:  WOMEN chick cracks me up. Thanks, Jo Mohan, for the intro. Also, I still have your water bottle in my car. Well, enjoy Sarah Haskins talk about pooping. She's super funny.